the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
