you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
