she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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