My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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