he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
