I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
