Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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