No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
