We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
