I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
