so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
