She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
