You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
