Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
