I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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