apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
