why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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