I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
