I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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