I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
