Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
