I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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