Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
