...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
