Tell her she can't have a vagina
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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