I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
