I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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