lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
