remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He passed out mid-signature
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
