I wannas sexs uuuuu
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
