you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
