Life is so much better after having sex.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
