go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
