my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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