if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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