woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
