so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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