I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
