he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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