saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
