I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
