I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
