Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do vagina's smell?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
