Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
