sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
