i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
