There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
