break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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