i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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