I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
