What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
