In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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