go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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