I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
