Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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