I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
