just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
