Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
