Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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