O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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