Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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