Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
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It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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