He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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