then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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