They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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