I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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