Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
