When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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